COLUMN: 9 reasons I've never seen 'Star Wars'

Posted at 9:35 PM, Dec 15, 2015

Nope. Never seen it. Do I plan to see the new one? Probably not. I don't really understand the hype (though I don't understand lots of things, like Cincinnati's obsession with Pete Rose or why the Kardashians are famous or why I watch their show anyway).

I know, I know. But let me explain myself. Here are 9 reasons I've never seen "Star Wars."

9. I was raised by wolves in a cave in Russia

This is obviously not actually true. But a good friend and former coworker used to say I must have been raised by wolves in a cave in Russia because he couldn't fathom how I could have grown up in the United States in the 80s and 90s and not seen "Star Wars." (I've also never seen "Mary Poppins" and lots of other movies that people call American classics. I'm also pretty clueless about popular music. I did have the New Kids on the Block cassette tape when I was a kid, though. So that should count for something.)

8. Your reaction

I bet when you saw the headline of this article, your first thought was, "What? Who hasn't seen 'Star Wars?'" Turns out, I'm not the only weirdo out there. A couple of other people in my office, as well as Cincinnati City Councilman Chris Seelbach, also haven't seen any of the movies. So there.

7. It's kinda creepy

I was born eight years after the first "Star Wars" movie came out. So by the time I was old enough to actually watch the movie, I was thoroughly creeped out. A weird, gold robot and a short stumpy robot that clicks interact with this big creature with curly hair all over his face. Oh and these guys in white costumes are trying to kill everyone and this other guy with weird hair who may or may not resemble Jesus realizes a guy in black who apparently smokes (why else would you breathe like that? Maybe he's asthmatic?) is his father after he's been fighting him with glowing, radioactive swords for two hours. Creepy.

6. I'm a nerd

No, no. Not like you "Star Wars" fans. I'm an actual nerd. Like, the kind of nerd who'd rather read books (and I mean real books, not "graphic novels") than watch movies about people with cinnamon buns on their heads flying around in spaceships fighting guys in white plastic masks.

5. Wait. Is 'Star Wars' different than 'Star Trek?'

Because my friend's dad used to watch "Star Trek" on those giant CD-looking things that were a foot and a half across. And those weird creatures on a two-ton big screen TV creeped me the hell out.

4. I'm Amish

I'm not actually Amish. But I get asked this question frequently enough that sometimes it's easier to just say I am. People also ask if I'm Amish when: they find out I got married at age 23; they realize how completely I lack any knowledge of modern pop-culture; I tell them my maiden name is Goth, I'm German and I'm from Ohio; they see me drive (and assume, because I drive so terribly, that I didn't learn how until I turned 28 because I was previously only allowed to drive horse-drawn carriages).

3. There's just something about reality

I don't like fantasy novels. I'm not really into movies with plotlines that couldn't actually happen in real life. For whatever reason, I just prefer stories about people and things that could have/actually did happen. Maybe it's because I'm a journalist, but really: You can't make up anything half as entertaining, crazy, dramatic or exciting as what happens in real life.

2. If I'm going to spend 16 hours watching movies, I need some eye candy

I mean, really. 16 hours. That's a really long time to watch spaceships fly around and lights flashing without having some serious eye candy to distract me. Sorry Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. If JJ Abrams (yes, I just had to look up his name) decides to cast Leonardo DiCaprio or Jessica Alba in his next "Star Wars" film (because we all know there will be another one -- it's starting to compete with "Land Before Time" for most sequels ever), then I'll watch it.

1. I've gone this long ...

It's almost entertaining at this point. The shock and horror on people's faces when they find out I've never seen any of the movies is amusing. I've gone 30 years without watching a "Star Wars" movie. Why break my streak now? It's like someone who's been a vegan for 10 years. Why eat meat now? It'll mean you've just wasted the last 10 years without meat. Or eggs. Or cheese.

All that said, I am going to have to watch them at some point. My 4-year-old son loves anything "Star Wars," and he's never seen the movies either. So eventually we will have to sit down and watch the box set my above-mentioned friend gave me four years ago that's been sitting unwatched with my other DVDs ever since.