9 things that won't happen before 'doomsday'

Posted at 1:57 PM, Jan 26, 2016
and last updated 2016-01-26 15:26:08-05

CINCINNATI -- On Tuesday, a bunch of scientists in California will give the world their latest "Doomsday Clock" prediction.

To explore the lighter side of the end of humanity, we came up with nine things that probably won't happen in Cincinnati before doomsday actually arrives.

Because what's the point in getting our hopes up?

9. I-75's construction will end. I-75 has been under construction since the dawn of time, so it only makes sense that construction will last until the end of time. I will shamelessly admit that I-75 is probably one of the top reasons that I refuse to join my fellow millennials and move to Northside.

8. The streetcar will really transport people. We've been talking about the streetcar for what, a few years now? And it's finally time for it to get rolling down the tracks...supposedly. Some parts arrived late. The hyped-up "test runs" were depressingly slow. So the streetcar doesn't really feel like a real thing yet. The construction sure is real, but Cincinnati is kind of over the streetcar hype with basically nothing to show for it.

7. We'll survive a "snowstorm" and drive like normal humans. We really suck at driving in the snow. People from Northern cities make fun of us for freaking out, buying all the bread and milk in Kroger and just randomly wrecking for no reason, possibly forgetting the two basic rules to driving in the snow -- keep a lot of space between you and the car in front of you and drive slow. But it would be the end of the world before Cincinnatians finally realize this.

6. City Hall will stop bickering. Beef between city councilmembers and the mayor has meant some political stonewalling and shameless subtweeting. And according to our political reporter Paula Christian, the whole squabble began three years ago with a debate over a $100,000 portable toilet.

5. Indiana will legalize Sunday sales of alcohol. Is this going to be the year? There is a proposed bill...but, then again, there's a proposed bill every year. Indiana is no closer to legalizing the Sunday sales of alcohol than they were during prohibition. As long as The Lord's Day is still a valid argument (I am not making a joke -- I worked for the Indiana State Legislature during these debates), Sunday sales won't be sanctioned in Indiana.

4. U.S. Bank Arena will finally get a long-awaited facelift. Well, I guess it's long-awaited in the opinion of some...i.e., the arena's owners. But the fact is, U.S. Bank Arena was blamed for Cincinnati's loss of some major concerts and events, including the 2016 Republican National Convention. The word has been "we are definitely renovating U.S. Bank Arena" for some time now, but all we're seeing is the same crumbling building. Whatever, at least it's good enough for Billy Joel.

3. Pete Rose will be inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. He's getting into the Reds Hall of Fame (thank GOD), but the National Baseball Hall of Fame is still kind of a long shot. After commissioner Rob Manfred denounced Rose in crystal clear language, making it very clear that he doesn't think the MLB should be associated with Rose (and vice versa). Manfred said Rose's Hall of Fame status isn't the same as his ban from baseball, but he's still on the short list of players blacklisted from Cooperstown.

2. Cincinnatians will stop using "So where did you go to high school" as an icebreaker. Hey, I'm guilty of it too. Especially when I meet someone from Cincinnati in a different city. It's a way to connect, but it's also kind of alienating and unwelcoming; it's hard to deny that. Maybe one day our children will be judged not by where they went to high school, but by the content of their family chilli recipe. But the last time we brought up The Question on, viewers were outraged. So there's a good chance that this dream will remain a dream and we'll never stop judging people based on their childhood school district.

1. The Bengals will win a playoff game. You knew this was coming. And don't say "shame on you, Marais." I'm a Bengals fan...but I'm being realistic. The Bengals haven't won a playoff game in my lifetime. And it's not like they didn't have the chance, or even the odds, to do so -- turns out that the Bengals were actually the only team whose loss in the 2016 playoffs wasn't predicted by Elias Sports Bureau (meaning that, statistically, the Bengals should have won that game and had to do a lot wrong to mess that up). I'm just convinced that the universe won't let it happen. Maybe that's some kind of defense mechanism, but I'm sticking to it. And I can't imagine I'm the only one.