Tuesday, September 24th, 2013
I can think of no better headline of the past several months than this one:
JACOBY JONES INJURED BY CHAMPAGNE-WIELDING STRIPPER ON PARTY BUS
So many layers. Lasagna-esque, meaty, cheesy, delicious, hearty layers.
- Jones had already missed two games with an injury, but apparently it cleared up in enough time to grab a couple of lap dances -- and a skull laceration -- on a party bus.
- The stripper’s name is Sweet Pea. Sweet Pea, people.
- The bottle of champagne was described as “a gigantic Ace of Spades bottle.” (TMZ)
- The boys on the bus were celebrating Bryant McKinnie’s birthday. Clearly he learned his lesson from being involved in the Minnesota Vikings “Love Boat” scandal in 2005. We all know a party bus is totally different than a party boat.
- The Ravens sent out this tweet about their coach yesterday: “Today is John Harbaugh's birthday. He laughed off a question about whether he'll celebrate on a party bus.”
The Ravens said Jones was at practice Monday morning, so there’s no word if “Stripper-Related Skull Lac” will appear on Baltimore’s next team injury report, but a girl can dream.
And we can also point out the multitude of oddball, mostly self-inflicted injuries some pro players have sustained. And before we begin, understand baseball wins in a landslide.
-Bill Gramatica, Arizona Cardinals: Tore ligament celebrating a field goal in 2001. No, it wasn’t a game winner.
-Brandon Inge, Tigers: Pulled a muscle - moving his kid’s pillow.
Ryan Klesko, Braves: Though he’s one of my all-time favorites, here’s a guy not exactly known for his time in the gym. So imagine the jokes when he strained a muscle – lifting his lunch tray.
-Ken Griffey, Jr, Reds: pinched ... um .. himself with athletic cup in 2006. Because I do not recall my own abdominal strain from laughing too hard, I must have missed this.
-Mat Latos, then Padres and Sammy Sosa, Cubs: Both found themselves on the 15-day DL – after sneezing too hard.
-Wade Boggs, Red Sox: Strained his back putting on cowboy boots.
-Glenallen Hill, Blue Jays: During a nightmare about spiders, he crashed through a glass table and missed several games.
-John Smoltz, Braves: He refutes this, but persistent rumor has it that he burned himself when he tried to iron his shirt while he was wearing it.
-Tom Glavine, Braves: His teammate can’t refute this. The hurler broke his rib vomiting. (Wordplay!)
-Orlando Brown, Cleveland Browns: You may remember this for his response. He was hit in eye with weighted penalty flag, pushed the ref, and missed three seasons. He also sued the NFL and settled for $25m.
-Victoria Azarenka, tennis: A bad pedicure and its subsequent toe infection forced her to withdraw from a tournament.
-David Price, Rays: The pitcher had a neck spasm toweling off between innings.
-Marty Cordova, Orioles: Fell asleep in a tanning bed in 2002.
-Vince Coleman, St. Louis Cardinals: Injured his leg when it got rolled up in tarp machine. He missed the entire 1985 World Series.
-Joel Zumaya: His elbow inflammation – it was the result of throwing 100 mph, right? Nope, it’s because of Guitar Hero.
-Matt Holliday, St. Louis Cardinals: Had to leave a game because a moth flew in his ear.
-Gus Frerotte, Redskins: He famously headbutted a wall during a game and ended up with a concussion.
-Carl Pavano, (MLB free agent): Ruptured his spleen shoveling snow.
-Clint Barmes, Rockies: This is one of my favorites because of the detail. He dislocated his shoulder carrying deer meat up stairs.
-Dan Boyle, Tampa Bay Lighting: His skate skipped off a hook in his locker and severed three tendons in his wrist. He had to have two surgeries and miss 36 games.
Then there’s Arizona Cardinal Rashad Johnson. In Sunday’s game against the Saints – at some point that HE CAN’T REMEMBER – part of his finger was severed. He tweeted pictures. I’m warning you – it’s pretty gnarly. Click if you want, but don’t blame me if you have nightmares and crash through a glass table.
From Today’s GMTS:
Facebook Faceoff: John Matarese and I are in a contest. Now, if it involved eating, sitcoms, identifying snack foods, crafting or coffee drinking, I’d crush him. But it involves getting the most likes on Facebook.
If he wins, I have to buy him donuts. If I win, he has to buy me donuts. You know they’ll be on clearance and two days old.
Today’s Distracting Link:
Keep in mind this is tongue-in-cheek. And also, I didn’t create it. But some of the stats are sobering. Poor Mississippi.
What’s the most screwed up thing about your state?
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