Tuesday, July 9th, 2013
Somewhere, very, very near my house, a secret pyromaniac is preparing to set off fireworks right as I'm trying to go to sleep tonight.
To you, sir, I say: it's too late.
I'll give you July 4th. I'll even give you the weekend. Let ‘er rip. Light ‘em up. Whatever the kids say.
But last night, dog a-barking and me a-fuming, there they were. Monday, July 8 th – at 9:30 pm – it's just too late.
We're in this mindset that more is better. One cheeseburger is great, but two is awesome!
Every made for TV commercial proves it: Like the Forever Comfy seat cushion? Order now and get two for the price of one!
People leave their Christmas lights up until February. They start wearing shorts and flip flops the second the temperature breaks 40. And I'm already getting Halloween costume catalogs, featuring costumes from movies that haven't even been released yet.
And then there are school supplies.
But stores already have special sections for them, and it's not even mid-July.
This is just too early.
Certain things need to be compartmentalized. Holidays, school supply shopping, a grown woman's slight obsession with One Direction and overalls. Actually, overalls need to just be removed from human consumption altogether.
Like fireworks and air shows, nothing good comes of overalls. And I say this having sported them – voluntarily, and away from a farm – in the mid-90s.
Keep school supplies to August., Christmas lights to December and One Direction to a playlist labeled "Kids Music."
From Today's GMTS:
-Try-It-Out Tuesday: Today we tested No Bang , a dryer strap that promises to dry your sneakers with no noise. Does it work?
-The Cleveland Three Speak: I usually try to keep it pretty light in this newsletter, because I feel like heavy is all around us. But this is pretty great: the three women held captive in Cleveland are speaking for the first time .
-Twinkies: The new owners of Twinkies say they've extended the snack cake's shelf life to 45 days. It was 26. I don't want to know how. And I think the term "shelf life" is being thrown around a bit willy-nilly. I think the company really means expiration date. Because I have a sneaking suspicion that the first ones released next week (July 15th) could still be around as doorstops in 2034.
Oh – I'm switching to a new Facebook page. Click it, like it , and know that many other random musings will follow.
Today's Distracting Link:
Need a compliment? Here's a bunch of randomly generated ones spoken by a lady robot. Yes, that should help.
Copyright 2013 Scripps Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.