GMTS Newsletter: Smoking Santa

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Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2012

Santa's getting a makeover? Maybe.

We ran a story this morning on Good Morning Tri-State about a Canadian entrepreneur/would-be-author who decided that the classic Clement Moore poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" needed a certain revision .

She says Santa needs to get off the pipe. Seriously.

She thinks the fact the Santa smokes a pipe in the poem sets a bad example for kids.


Funny, in her mind, his "bowl full of jelly" belly is fine as it is. BMI be darned.

So I took a closer look at the poem and found all kinds of things that could be dangerous to our kids! Yes, Santa can be dangerous! What a headline!

Here ya go:

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

Sugar plums are, by design, too sweet. Visions of carrot sticks would be healthier. And all that dancing can lead to indigestion. Swaying might be a better option.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Come on, now. You're asking for an ACL injury if you're springing from your bed. Gradual rising might not have the same ring, but boy, is it safer.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

Breast? Are you kidding? We can't have our kids reading words like that. And that uppity spelling of "luster?" It's just un-American.

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

Did they get clearance from the FAA? Until we get official word, we must leave this part out. And again, all this dashing and such. Besides, did they have sufficient time to buckle up? Check their mirrors? Are Santa's hands at 10 and 2? It's just plain irresponsible.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

Better be faux fur. And doesn't Santa have a good cleaner? What kind of example does this set?

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back ...

Again, with these reckless behaviors. For elves sake-- lift with your legs, Santa.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf …

So … he's old and fat. Wonderful. Maybe Santa should instead be a tri-athlete who snacks on the egg white omelets nice little boys and girls leave him on Christmas Eve.

Bottom line? There's a reason classic literature is classic. Leave poor Clement Moore alone. I'll take it back the first time I hear a kid blame Santa for his smoking problem.

From Today's Show:

-12-12-12: Yep, that makes it a big day for weddings and birthdays. I like Facebook reader Jon's idea: we should celebrate with 12 donuts. All in the name of good luck. Yes, that's it.

-Elf on the Shelf: Technically, this is from yesterday's show, but we'd love to hear from you. Does the Elf on the Shelf visit your house? He does ours. He was making lemonade yesterday. This morning? He's hiding in a cup. Crazy elf.

Today's Distracting Link:

Louisville coach Rick Pitino makes a really good assistant. He'll even answer your phone – in the middle of his own news conference.

Copyright 2012 Scripps Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

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