Do not adjust your TV. If you turned on "Dancing with the Stars," that is judge Len Goodman in red ruffles. And host Tom Bergeron in baby blue ruffles. And host Brooke Burke with ratted hair and…is that? Yep, one white lace glove. Eat your heart out, Madonna.
Rent your tux and pickup that corsage cause prom night is here! And if you ever regretted how your prom turned out – or if you just didn't go – you'll probably feel better about it after week three of "Dancing with the Stars."
It was not quite "Carrie," but let's just say, it was not quite "Footloose" either.
Just like prom, all eleven couples hit the dance floor all at once to open the show. Country singer Wynonna and Tony are all punked out. Comedian D.L. Hughley does the robot - or is that his normal dancing? Olympian Aly Raisman and Mark do the Batman. Disney star Zendaya already looks like prom queen. Soap star Ingo Rademacher and Kym look like the bad kids in school that everybody secretly loves. "Bachelor" Sean Lowe and Peta do their wretched "Murgalo" (Twitter it if you don't know). Actor Andy Dick also does the worm. Reality star Lisa Vanderpump looks less stiff. Country singer Kellie Pickler and Derek go way over the top for their ten second dance (but that's Derek for you). NFL star Jacoby Jones looks like he's swimming in air.
First up, Aly and Mark with a Viennese waltz. He interrogates her about making out with her real prom date. Creepy, Mark. Also creepy – the real-life Cupid on a swing dangling over them. Their dance starts with them both acting like wallflowers at the prom, before it turns contemporary – but that's just normal Mark choreography. The dance finally slips into the Viennese waltz, which is very smooth. She projects some good emotion and hits one amazing backward kick. Len says he's not so impressed. The crowd is shocked. "April fool's!" Len says. Oh, you old scamp! Judge Bruno Tonioli says he was swept away in a whirlwind of romance. Judge Carrie Ann Inaba says the quality of movement was amazing. Score: 23 out of 30.
Andy and Sharna are up with a cha cha. She's in a pleather bodysuit. Just putting that out there. For the dance, he acts like the school nerd (acts?), before turning suave. It soon becomes obvious they decided to go goofy with every dance. It's the Kirstie/Carson technique, and so far they've been nailing it. Bruno calls it Revenge of the Nerd, noting that Andy's timing and placement were off, but his entertainment was fully on. Carrie Ann says Andy's performance has an X factor she hasn't seen before. Len says Andy is like a sneeze that he knows is coming, but can't stop. He also likes their entertainment value. Andy says, "I don't drink anymore, but I always carry around a six pack!" and tears open his shirt. Ahh, when this show jumps the shark. Score: 18.
Ingo and Kym bring on their paso doble. She says she always wanted to be prom queen. He says she gets to be the slut. She lights up and smiles. Hey, whatever works for ya, sister. Leather-clad Ingo rides in on a motorcycle… with a sparkly helmet. Makes sense. He plays the bad boy that steals the prom queen. Their paso doble is immediately fun. His timing is off, but his charisma works. Carrie Ann calls it a comeback. Len likes the attack, but tells Ingo to improve his posture. Bruno tells Ingo to be less of an axe murderer. Score: 21.
Lisa and Gleb also have a Viennese waltz. She says they need Twitter followers to get votes. So she tells him to take his clothes off so she can tweet out shirtless photos. Their dance is sweet and sensitive; Lisa looks like a princess. Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing" and the dance seem to suit her, but the choreography does not demand enough from her. Len says it was full of lightness, but wants better posture. Bruno calls it magical. Score: 21.
Kellie and Derek have a jive. Everybody cut footloose! Cause that's their song. He slides down a glass ramp on his feet and runs to her. They have fast footwork and sharp arm movements. This is what we look for when we think prom. Hips swiveling and great lifts. Derek pretty much tosses Kellie in the air like he's making a pizza. Bruno says there was nothing loose about their dance, and calls Kellie sharper than a samurai sword. Carrie Ann says it was the fastest routine she's ever seen. Len calls Kellie queen of the prom. She squeals. Score: 25. After hearing their score, Kellie and Derek convey their excitement by busting out some hideous private handshake they call "Potatoes and French fries." I pray it doesn't become the
next Gangnam Style or Harlem Shake. Shivers.
Boxer Victor Ortiz and Lindsay have a contemporary dance. It has a serious, sultry feel. This is not the Victor we're used to seeing. Lindsay wisely choreographed around his strength. He spins her, lifts her, carries her all around the floor. Carrie Ann asks, "What just happened? You're a dancer." Len calls it Victor's best dance so far. Bruno also calls Victor a dancer. Score: 23.
While Victor and Lindsay were getting their scores from Brooke, I love that Ingo is preposterously wearing a princess tiara in the background. Also, Tom states, "The Audubon Society declared Brooke's hair as a nesting habitat." Keep the weird coming, DWTS!
D.L. and Cheryl have a salsa to "Sex Machine." They have to dance on a 10 foot by 10 foot raised platform of disco lights. Awkward. I can literally see D.L. counting the movements. Compared to Cheryl, he just looks winded. It's like an outtake from "The Ladies Man," which wasn't a funny movie, but this routine is a joke – and not the haha kind. If D.L. is a sex machine, Len says, "I'm America's Next Top Model." Disturbing either way. Bruno says the dance was like hip replacement. Carrie Ann says she saw some improvement. Some. Score: 16.
Jacoby and Karina break out a rumba. Their dance is fluid, sensual, emotional, and pretty. He looks at ease for being such a large guy trying to do these elegant moves. Bruno is so into it. Carrie Ann is impressed. Len says he's shocked and likes Jacoby's refinement. Jacoby's mom is glowing. Score: 24.
Deep breath. Wynonna and Tony perform a "samba." It starts off with them both pole dancing, and Tony is leagues better than Wynonna. That's alarming in many ways. Wynonna looks like she wants to have fun, but also looks bored. Her mascara has more color than this dance. Instead of swaying her hips, she seems to be swaying to the band at a church fair. Carrie Ann calls the dance a whisper. Len compares Wynonna to Mount Rushmore. Try to figure that one out. Bruno calls it sedated. Score: 15. I know this isn't her thing, but, with those low scores, Wynonna is taking the highway to the danger zone. Or at least the slow lane.
Wynonna tweeted, "I am humbled tonight. I am so grateful to @TonyDovolani for continuing to teach me. This is quite the emotional roller coaster & yet I know It is a journey that I am on that continues to show me something new every day. This is the hardest job I have ever loved."
Sean and Peta do the cha cha. They whip out the school dance favorite, the "YMCA." He's the construction worker, she's one smoking hot Pocahontas, and the troupe fills out the cop, cowboy and sailor. The dance looks just as ridiculous as we all remember from our own proms. Sean oddly seems stiffer here than in his prior dances. Their energy matches the song, though. Len calls it Sean's best dance so far. Really? Cue the "Twilight Zone" music. Bruno calls it entertaining, but tells Sean to improve his technique. Carrie Ann says one thing was missing. What? "Bruno!" she yells. Nice one. Score: 21.
Sean tweeted, "Thanks to everyone who is cheering and voting for me and @PetaMurgatroyd tonight! Our prom dance is hilarious!"
Last, Zendaya and Val have a Viennese waltz, which she dedicates to her grandmother who's battling cancer. Zendaya floats to "Que Sera, Sera" so smoothly, it's like she's on a cloud. It's preposterous how effortless this girls makes this stuff look. Her footwork is sharp and tight. She must instantly memorize her rehearsals, because she doesn't even look like she has to think about what she's doing. Bruno calls her enchanting and charming. Carrie Ann says her emotional connection to the moves is beyond her years. Len calls her a natural. Score: 24.
Which prom couple will get the most votes – I mean, tweets? Whoever does gets the encore. I suspect it's Kellie and Derek. Their "Footloose" jive was a crowd pleaser.
Who goes home? Well, D.L. probably gets sympathy votes, because DWTS viewers love to see the underdog struggle. And Wynonna also has a big fan base, which she'll need with those low scores. So, unless her tweeting shirtless pictures of Gleb helped, Lisa may be in trouble again. Previous low scorer Victor might have spared himself with a good dance, but he doesn't have Wynonna's fan base.
So, the prom king and queen get crowned Tuesday night at 9 on ABC. Huey Lewis and The News will perform, as will Demi Lovato. More information can be found at: http://abc.go.com/primetime/dancingwiththestars/index .