A 'don't-gift' guide

A spoiled-rotten personal holiday DON'T-GIFT guide:

-- No to any clothing item decorated with a heart, a cartoon character, a smiley face or a skull.

-- The delicate dance of selection requires feet to be on hand, so do not attempt to buy shoes for me.

-- I'm good with gluten; I'm down with dairy. But let no food item that contains a raisin cross my threshold.

-- No matter how expensive, any balm, serum or lotion with a label on which the word "anti-aging" appears is unwelcome.

-- If it's too big, I'll probably be insulted.

-- Any device related to improving my health will be perceived as a suggestion, not a gift.

-- If it's too small, I'll definitely be embarrassed.

-- A deluxe room deodorizer was presented as a birthday gift to a woman whose party I attended earlier this year. I don't want one.

-- The only candle I want is unscented and either fits in a menorah or will last for hours in a power outage.

-- Do not give me anything for which an instruction booklet is necessary.

(Leah Garchik is a San Francisco Chronicle columnist. Email lgarchik@sfchronicle.com .)